Kat's Anti-Zombie Plan
ITEM THE FIRST- We will adjust ourselves to the nocturnal schedule that Kat lives by. This can be done by:
OPTION THE FIRST- Move to an area of the world whose schedule is approximately opposite America's, in terms of time zones. Move back when you've gotten over the get lag and are on their schedule.
OPTION THE SECOND- Stay up really late, aided by copious amounts of caffeine, until this seems natural.
OPTION THE THIRD- Be born with DSPS, like Kat was. Unfortunately, DSPS only affects 0.7% of the population, and only a small percentage of those afflicted exhibit such a drastic circadian difference, like Kat does. You'll just have to work at it.
This is absolutely crucial to the next steps in our plan, unless we can find a vampire of a non-photophobic bloodline.
OPTION THE FIRST- Move to an area of the world whose schedule is approximately opposite America's, in terms of time zones. Move back when you've gotten over the get lag and are on their schedule.
OPTION THE SECOND- Stay up really late, aided by copious amounts of caffeine, until this seems natural.
OPTION THE THIRD- Be born with DSPS, like Kat was. Unfortunately, DSPS only affects 0.7% of the population, and only a small percentage of those afflicted exhibit such a drastic circadian difference, like Kat does. You'll just have to work at it.
This is absolutely crucial to the next steps in our plan, unless we can find a vampire of a non-photophobic bloodline.
ITEM THE SECOND- We will find a vampire. Note- this vampire will be nothing like the vampires described in Stephanie Meyer's Twilight series. These books, and the vampires in them, are a disgrace to vampire literature and indeed the entire horror/romance subgenre. We will instead find a vampire like those in Kim Newman's Anno Dracula series, which are far better vampires and far, far better books. We will make sure that this vampire is of an uncorrupted bloodline and willing to help us with the next stage of our plan.
ITEM THE THIRD- We will have our vampire friend transform us all into vampires. Vampires, of course, are undead and infinitely more powerful than humans. We will hone our newfound powers and prepare for a zombie invasion.
ITEM THE FOURTH- We will move any humans deemed essential to the United Kingdom. The UK, of course, is composed of islands (Ireland's technically part of the same island as Northern Ireland, of course, but they are too awesome to be part of the equally awesome UK. For purposes of simplicity, Ireland shall be considered part of the UK, though they will, of course, retain their sovereignty, as it is a separate nation, and a glorious one at that.) Islands, as we all know, are surrounded by water. Zombies cannot swim, so anyone and anything we put in the UK is completely safe from attack. It has been argued that vampires, too, cannot swim, but vampires, unlike zombies, can fly.
Similar colonies will be established in Japan, Greenland, New Zealand, and the Caribbean.
ITEM THE FIFTH- We will fight the zombies in what will become known as the War of the Revenants. As zombies are too stupid to attack in an organized manner, standard methods of warfare will fail against them. We will instead organize ourselves into an underground guerrilla army of independent vampire agents, working together towards the common goal or eradicating the zombie menace. We will report back to our capital city of London (because London is the greatest city in the world) in the safe zone of the UK.
ITEM THE SIXTH- We will be revered as heroes by the remaining humans, and we can sell the movie rights to a team of the finest movie makers in the world, including, but not limited to Tim Burton, George Lucas, and Gore Verbinski, with Diablo Cody as screenwriter to ensure that they won't mess it up.
-Kat the Not-Quite-Relevant
* I go to Black River Asylum.
** One of my all-time favourite words.
ITEM THE THIRD- We will have our vampire friend transform us all into vampires. Vampires, of course, are undead and infinitely more powerful than humans. We will hone our newfound powers and prepare for a zombie invasion.
ITEM THE FOURTH- We will move any humans deemed essential to the United Kingdom. The UK, of course, is composed of islands (Ireland's technically part of the same island as Northern Ireland, of course, but they are too awesome to be part of the equally awesome UK. For purposes of simplicity, Ireland shall be considered part of the UK, though they will, of course, retain their sovereignty, as it is a separate nation, and a glorious one at that.) Islands, as we all know, are surrounded by water. Zombies cannot swim, so anyone and anything we put in the UK is completely safe from attack. It has been argued that vampires, too, cannot swim, but vampires, unlike zombies, can fly.
Similar colonies will be established in Japan, Greenland, New Zealand, and the Caribbean.
ITEM THE FIFTH- We will fight the zombies in what will become known as the War of the Revenants. As zombies are too stupid to attack in an organized manner, standard methods of warfare will fail against them. We will instead organize ourselves into an underground guerrilla army of independent vampire agents, working together towards the common goal or eradicating the zombie menace. We will report back to our capital city of London (because London is the greatest city in the world) in the safe zone of the UK.
ITEM THE SIXTH- We will be revered as heroes by the remaining humans, and we can sell the movie rights to a team of the finest movie makers in the world, including, but not limited to Tim Burton, George Lucas, and Gore Verbinski, with Diablo Cody as screenwriter to ensure that they won't mess it up.
~
They hated it.
-Kat the Not-Quite-Relevant
* I go to Black River Asylum.
** One of my all-time favourite words.
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